Cowher and the Browns

My Nov. 13 Chronicle-Telegram column:

Well, now that the election’s over, I’ve got time to ponder what’s really important to Greater Clevelanders:

Those sad-sack Brown dawgs. What a train wreck!

Cleaning up the mess will take the work of the Dawg Pound’s one-time hated nemesis: former Pittsburgh Steeler Coach Bill Cowher. Browns fans might be coming around to the idea: The Chronicle-Telegram’s Scott Petrak reported Wednesday on some fans who have launched www.Cowher09.com, imploring the Browns to can Coach Romeo Crennel and hire Cowher.

For me, Cowher coaching the Browns would be a dream come true. A melding of my old favorite team — the mighty Steelers — with my new favorite team — the sorry Browns.

A little personal history is in order. My only real football memory from my childhood is from early 1995, when, as an 11-year-old, I recall my old man yelling at the TV as the Steelers crushed the Browns 29-9 in a playoff game. This, and several other instances of my dad’s displeasure with the hometown team, planted a seed in my little head: being a Browns fan stinks.

I started following pro football in the late 1990s, after Art Modell moved the Browns to Baltimore. With no Browns to watch, I did what seemed sensible at the time: root for the Steelers.

As an overweight bumbler myself, I have a natural affinity for fat dudes who manage to play professional sports. So Steeler running back Jerome Bettis became my favorite player. And his coach, angry, spitting, mustached Cowher, became my favorite coach.

When the Browns returned from exile, I stuck with the Steelers. It was great. Remember that overtime game in 2001, when the Steelers narrowly won on the lakefront by kicking five field goals? Or that playoff game in 2003 when the Browns blew that big lead in Pittsburgh? Or that game in… oops, sorry.

But as time went by, the Steelers changed. First Bettis retired, then Cowher. The Steelers began to be defined by quarterback Ben Roethlisberger, a graduate of Miami University. That simply became too much for this Ohio University Bobcat to bear.

So, before the 2007 season, I made a conscious effort to jump ship. I picked a good time too: The Browns rewarded my newfound fandom by posting a winning season.

But crushing reality, so familiar to most Browns fans, has set in this season.

As a relative newcomer to the Browns fan experience, I have to say that the noted pessimism of the fans of this sad franchise is warranted.

While watching the game last week against the Denver Broncos, my fellow bargoers and I exchanged gloomy pronouncements even as the Browns built a 23-10 second-half lead. (The pronouncements cannot be repeated in this, a family newspaper.) Sure enough, the advantage was squandered in predictable fashion, with the very symbol of everything wrong with the Browns, morose tight end Kellen Winslow, leading the way with general incompetence.

Throughout all the bad losses this year, a few things have become evident: The Browns’ players, specifically at wide receiver and the linebacking and defensive back positions, simply aren’t good enough. And the coaching staff, as shown by the numerous game-killing penalties incurred by Browns players and rumors that several players “quit” during the Broncos game, doesn’t have control of the team.

The first problem can only be corrected by, well, signing better players. The second problem can be solved by liquidating the coaching staff and bringing in Cowher to lay the hammer down on this overpaid, underachieving squad.

Cowher, listlessly putting in his time on the terrible CBS NFL studio show, has to be getting the itch to return to the league. As the guys at Cowher09.com put it, “If you don’t think the headstrong, psychopathic, adrenaline-filled man’s man is dreaming about coming back, then you my friend are crazy.”

It’d sure make this former Steeler fan happy.

UPDATE: Quinn for McCain

Here’s a video of Browns backup quarterback Brady Quinn stumping for John McCain in Strongsville. The audio kind of stinks.

As a fervent Derek Anderson backer, my preference is for Quinn to continue making political speeches — and holding the clipboard on the sidelines.

Photo: Cleveland Browns quarterback Brady Quinn speaks at a rally with Republican presidential candidate, Sen. John McCain, R-Ariz., and vice presidential running mate, Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin, in Strongsville, Ohio, Wednesday, Oct. 8 (AP Photo/Gerald Herbert)

Browns for McCain

Shouldn’t they be worried about the Giants?